Purpose

The purpose of this journal is for me to create a place where I can let my thoughts out. These can include anything…but mostly I intend to write ideas, philosophies, plans, goals, and things I find interesting. I do not want this to devolve into some kind of mindless blog…I want it to be something I do with intent and purpose.

What are my goals?

— Make yoga a daily practice

— Clean up my eating habits

— Work on a dopamine detox and delayed gratification

— Quit vaping

— Have unapologetic opinions and stances

— Stop spending so much money

— Read more books

— Make efforts to finish watching TV shows and single player video games

Why do I think this is important?

I have spent a lot of time trying to get myself to do these things. I think it is important for a myriad of reasons. Yoga, eating habits, dopamine detox, delayed gratification, and stop vaping because I need to be healthier. I want to live a long, healthy, happy life and I don’t think I can do that if I continuously give into the urges to be a lazy fuck. Being better takes effort, and I have not been giving it my all.

Having unapologetic opinions is important for me to develop because I feel that I am too weak in defending myself and my viewpoints. I want to be in a social position where people know that I am kind, loving, and approachable, but that I also have strong opinions, beliefs, and presence enough to not be antagonized. I also want to be in a position where I can do and say what I feel is appropriate and not feel like I’m imposing or being inconvenient. My thoughts and feelings matter.

As for money, I need to be more responsible. Adam and I are trying to get our life together so we can buy a house, adopt a child, and live as truly wholesome, functioning adults and I do not think I’m pulling my weight on those goals. I let myself cave to whimsical desires and I do not have much to show for it. I feel like I just have a lot of clutter and unfinished projects in my life.

Finally, finishing stories and reading more books. I have an unbelievably large backlog of media that I am interested in experiencing but I do not put the effort into it and it just gets bigger and bigger. The last time I did a check-in on my personal media library, I have around 700+ books on my kindle that I have purchased or downloaded but not read, I keep checking books out from the library that sit on my desk cabinet without being read, a huge list of movies and shows on various streaming platforms that go unwatched, and over 900 games in my backlog that I have spent money on and never touched. It is utterly ridiculous that I continuously put these things off when somewhere in my mind, they carry importance.

How do I intend to do this?

I watched a series of videos last night when I got home from work on dopamine detoxing. What they covered was basically the same as what most people constitute as mindfulness. Eat with intention, slow down, be strict with yourself and perform actions with intent and purpose instead of mindlessly going through life trying to survive by getting your dopamine hits wherever they come.

I will start by making stretching, drinking water, and taking my medicine as my first priority of my daily routine. I would also like to carve time out every day to read and write. I think part of why I look for instant gratification (other than social conditioning) is because I have too much in my head. I am often reminded of how much I consume versus how much I retain and there is an imbalance. I am hopeful that by creating a practice of mindfulness and getting into writing my thoughts out, I can put some permanence into the thoughts I have and start improving my information retention.

I will also challenge myself when it comes to spending money. The next time I want to make an impulsive purchase, I will ask myself “Do I really need this?” and “Will I really use this?” Delayed gratification means that I need to give myself time to think about what I am doing instead of just doing it. As far as eating goes, I need to stop taking the easy route and go for the route that requires effort and mindfulness. Stop eating the free chicken nuggets and fries at work. Instead, get something healthier like the hot meals that include protein and vegetables or one of the many varieties of salads that they offer. I clearly have health problems regarding weight and nutrient deficiencies, so I need to make better choices.

Closing Thoughts

In closing, to whomever is reading this, whether it is myself or others — I do not intend this to come as negative. I want to do better. Part of doing better and being better is admitting your flaws and focusing on areas where you clearly need improvement. I hope this leads me to my goals.

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